Kick Me Whilst I'm Down

Hmm, realised I hadn’t updated this in a few days, though to be honest, I haven’t had the energy to. The last week or so has been hectic to say the least and my whole world has just collapsed around me. I really don’t know where to start.

Thursday night I had another scare. I managed to bypass the alcohol this time, but instead I went straight to the kitchen drawer, pulled out a knife and scored my arm until I could see the deep crimson seeping through. I would like to say that I very rarely do this. I don’t get much from it and I ended up feeling worse afterwards. Managed to phone the crisis team though...after I’d harmed myself, but still, it’s an improvement from not being able to phone for help. Now I just need to work on phoning before I do something stupid...

Anyway my doctor has decided to switch my medication. I’m currently on Citalopram (40mg) but I really haven’t felt any better on it and the fact that I have overdosed whilst on the stuff tends to suggest they weren’t working for me. More surprised that I haven't been taken off them sooner. For almost a week now I’ve been taking 20mg to start to taper off it and in terms of withdrawal effects all I have is slight light-headedness now and then and sleepiness. On Friday my doctor is going to review things and then start me on the new stuff, Venalfaxine. This is a different type of anti-depressant to Citalopram and after researching it I’ve decided it much scarier. The side effects are more extreme and also overdosing on it can screw you up pretty badly. I’m a little concerned. I’ve already reacted badly to one type of AD (Prozac) and that wasn’t nice. The main problem I have is I have a job interview on the 13th and if I’ve reacted badly to this medication I could quite easily mess up.

On top of this worry I found out on the weekend that my dad had been keeping letters from me back in Wales, pretty important letters, urgent letters, from my student loan company. Because I suspended my course a few months back they have obviously suspended my loan payments, but they also have refused to cover the tuition fees for my new course in October. I have spent this week on the phone constantly trying to sort it out and they may be able to change that decision but in terms of my finances right now, I’m screwed. Currently well into my overdraft, rent to pay, bills to pay, general living costs on top of that with nothing coming in. I was relying on the student loan people to be a bit more sympathetic about my situation but as the letters were kept from me for over a month, there’s very little I can do. So now I’ve been filling in forms upon forms to try and get some sort of benefits to cover my shortfalls. Normally I could cope with all this but with how I’ve been feeling, tapering off medication, new medication to deal with shortly, presentation to prepare for my job interview, it’s all far too much. I’m getting driven crazy and right now I have so little energy I’m surprised I’ve managed to type this much without collapsing.

I have no idea if this post even makes sense but there we have it, I need sleep and have no energy to check over it.