The Aftermath

I’m an idiot. As you can see I manage to stop the inevitable last night. I drunk, a lot, but I managed to phone someone before I was too far gone and right now I’m so grateful to that person for putting up with my drunken distressed rambling.

Last night was the closest I have come to doing something stupid in months. Looking back at it this morning, I still haven’t come to terms with how close I got. If I didn’t manage to phone, if no one answered...I wouldn’t be here, that I’m sure.

I’m feeling so bad right now. Not ‘I’m going to do something stupid’ bad, but an overwhelming feeling of guilt about what I even considered.

On Saturday a body of a young talented actress from my neck of the woods was found hanged. I spent today, after meeting with a member of the crisis team, reading the tributes left on a facebook group in her honour. The messages really got to me. The shock people felt after what had happened, that no one knew what she was going through, how they wished that she had just said something as little as “I’m not coping so well today”. I don’t want to cause people to feel like that and yesterday I came so close to doing it.

The problem is, when I’m in a mood like last night, I don’t think about all this, my brain just doesn’t comprehend the pain it would cause people. As I said before, it’s a blinkered state of mind. All you can think about is “I need to escape”. People who say that suicidal people are selfish, that they don’t care about others are frankly just plain ignorant. I beat myself up daily for thinking the things I do. This morning I was in tears about what I almost did, I’m in tears right now writing this. The worst thing is though, no matter how bad I feel about it now, I know that my depression will drag me down again. I know I will consider harming myself again. I know the black cloud will descend again and obscure my thoughts until I’m left with only one option and that is to get away.

It’s the endless feeling of it all, that’s what gets me. I feel beyond help right now. Beyond help and hopeless. But for now, I will have to live with it and hope that next time the darkness descends I will be able to fight it off.