The Aftermath

I’m an idiot. As you can see I manage to stop the inevitable last night. I drunk, a lot, but I managed to phone someone before I was too far gone and right now I’m so grateful to that person for putting up with my drunken distressed rambling.

Last night was the closest I have come to doing something stupid in months. Looking back at it this morning, I still haven’t come to terms with how close I got. If I didn’t manage to phone, if no one answered...I wouldn’t be here, that I’m sure.

I’m feeling so bad right now. Not ‘I’m going to do something stupid’ bad, but an overwhelming feeling of guilt about what I even considered.

On Saturday a body of a young talented actress from my neck of the woods was found hanged. I spent today, after meeting with a member of the crisis team, reading the tributes left on a facebook group in her honour. The messages really got to me. The shock people felt after what had happened, that no one knew what she was going through, how they wished that she had just said something as little as “I’m not coping so well today”. I don’t want to cause people to feel like that and yesterday I came so close to doing it.

The problem is, when I’m in a mood like last night, I don’t think about all this, my brain just doesn’t comprehend the pain it would cause people. As I said before, it’s a blinkered state of mind. All you can think about is “I need to escape”. People who say that suicidal people are selfish, that they don’t care about others are frankly just plain ignorant. I beat myself up daily for thinking the things I do. This morning I was in tears about what I almost did, I’m in tears right now writing this. The worst thing is though, no matter how bad I feel about it now, I know that my depression will drag me down again. I know I will consider harming myself again. I know the black cloud will descend again and obscure my thoughts until I’m left with only one option and that is to get away.

It’s the endless feeling of it all, that’s what gets me. I feel beyond help right now. Beyond help and hopeless. But for now, I will have to live with it and hope that next time the darkness descends I will be able to fight it off.

I Can't Go On

I am really struggling right now. Really struggling. It feels like a skeletal hand has gripped my pathetic heart and is squeezing it until it causes bitter tears to mark my cheeks. Add to that the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and loneliness, multiply the feeling by about 46.2 and you get an idea of how I’m feeling.

I’m really worried that I may do something and yet I can’t bring myself to phone the crisis team. I’m on my own, enough alcohol in the house to knock me out, sleeping tablets and razors. And writing this is just working me up into a panic. I know I’m going to work myself up so badly soon that I won’t be able to stop myself from doing anything. That is how it works, that is how it always works. I go into some kind of blinkered state where all I can think about is harming myself and I HAVE to do it. I can’t stop myself, I watch my body do the things it does and I have no control.

I know I need to phone. My mobile is on the table next to me yet there feels like there is some force stopping me from picking it up. I just can’t do it.

I’m wishing for someone to ring, someone to stop me but it won’t happen. It’s almost 1AM here, no one rings me at this time, no one will read this in time.

I’m scared.

Please. Anyone. I need someone right now.