Sleep, Don't Weep

I hate this. I’ve lost count of the days since I last had a decent sleep. I’ve spent the day walking the forest paths of Kielder, the fresh air and activity, combined with the lack of sleep the night before, driving me to exhaustion and guess what? I can’t sleep. My head is aching. Actually, scrap that, my whole body is aching and right now, more than anything, I just want a few hours of deep, fulfilled, uninterrupted rest.

Of course my doctor knows all about my weeks of insomnia and gave the very encouraging advice of “try not to sleep during the day, keep active, and I’m sure you’ll break out of it”. This was after he said that he’d love to give me sleeping tablets but unfortunately he just can’t. Apparently it must say on my file “Unstable patient. Recent history of overdosing. Do not prescribe sleeping tablets at all costs even if it means the patient goes weeks without decent sleep and ends up looking like death warmed up.”

Of course I can see why he can’t prescribe me the things but something more than "I'm sure you'll break out of it" would’ve been nice. I’m going out of my mind at the moment. Honestly, how I didn’t end up walking into a tree earlier is beyond me. I think my doctor is just relieved that whilst I’m like this I just haven’t got the energy to act on any thoughts I may have or to work myself up into a dangerous state of mind. Of course over the past few weeks I have felt pretty shit in respect to my emotional state but I’m just too damn tired to bother about it. Danger is I drive myself so crazy with my miserable sleep patterns that I sneak far too close to the border of breakdown country and all the pent-up depressiveness sucks me in so deep that I end up doing something incredibly stupid.

I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I guess I should go try and get some sleep...again. Doesn’t help that my brother is coming up to visit tomorrow, early, and I have to get up to meet him. Be surprised if he recognises me in the state I’m in. Oh well.