Kick Me Whilst I'm Down

Hmm, realised I hadn’t updated this in a few days, though to be honest, I haven’t had the energy to. The last week or so has been hectic to say the least and my whole world has just collapsed around me. I really don’t know where to start.

Thursday night I had another scare. I managed to bypass the alcohol this time, but instead I went straight to the kitchen drawer, pulled out a knife and scored my arm until I could see the deep crimson seeping through. I would like to say that I very rarely do this. I don’t get much from it and I ended up feeling worse afterwards. Managed to phone the crisis team though...after I’d harmed myself, but still, it’s an improvement from not being able to phone for help. Now I just need to work on phoning before I do something stupid...

Anyway my doctor has decided to switch my medication. I’m currently on Citalopram (40mg) but I really haven’t felt any better on it and the fact that I have overdosed whilst on the stuff tends to suggest they weren’t working for me. More surprised that I haven't been taken off them sooner. For almost a week now I’ve been taking 20mg to start to taper off it and in terms of withdrawal effects all I have is slight light-headedness now and then and sleepiness. On Friday my doctor is going to review things and then start me on the new stuff, Venalfaxine. This is a different type of anti-depressant to Citalopram and after researching it I’ve decided it much scarier. The side effects are more extreme and also overdosing on it can screw you up pretty badly. I’m a little concerned. I’ve already reacted badly to one type of AD (Prozac) and that wasn’t nice. The main problem I have is I have a job interview on the 13th and if I’ve reacted badly to this medication I could quite easily mess up.

On top of this worry I found out on the weekend that my dad had been keeping letters from me back in Wales, pretty important letters, urgent letters, from my student loan company. Because I suspended my course a few months back they have obviously suspended my loan payments, but they also have refused to cover the tuition fees for my new course in October. I have spent this week on the phone constantly trying to sort it out and they may be able to change that decision but in terms of my finances right now, I’m screwed. Currently well into my overdraft, rent to pay, bills to pay, general living costs on top of that with nothing coming in. I was relying on the student loan people to be a bit more sympathetic about my situation but as the letters were kept from me for over a month, there’s very little I can do. So now I’ve been filling in forms upon forms to try and get some sort of benefits to cover my shortfalls. Normally I could cope with all this but with how I’ve been feeling, tapering off medication, new medication to deal with shortly, presentation to prepare for my job interview, it’s all far too much. I’m getting driven crazy and right now I have so little energy I’m surprised I’ve managed to type this much without collapsing.

I have no idea if this post even makes sense but there we have it, I need sleep and have no energy to check over it.

I've Done it Again

I really do have to stop chatting to charity fundraisers. Ever since I worked as a fundraiser last summer and had a firsthand experience of how hard it actually is standing in the street hours on end getting rejected by the public who look at you with more contempt than a piece of dog shit on their shoe, I have always stopped and had a chat with them.

There’s a guy who fundraises quite frequently on the cobbled streets of Durham and he has stopped me on a number of occasions. Now I do give to charity on a monthly basis and also volunteer for them and as my funds are very much nonexistent right now, I really do have to keep a tight lid on who I give to, but today, after many efforts of signing me up, he finally got me and I have ended up signing up direct debit for yet another charity. This time it’s Save the Children, a move away from my usual mental health charities.

The problem is, even in this time of credit crunching nightmares, I just can’t help doing something like this when I feel lousy. I’m not a religious person but it seems that every time I have a meaningful thought of self harm or suicide I have to do something like this to make up for it, repent my sins so to speak. While I myself have no problem giving to charity like this, my bank balance has something else to say about it. I think I may need to set up a restraining order against all fundraisers, wonder if it’s possible to do that...

New Layout

The more observant of you will notice a change of layout. This is because for some reason my previous layout deleted all word related objects. Oh well, I will probably change this one again later, never happy me, but for now this will have to do.

The Aftermath

I’m an idiot. As you can see I manage to stop the inevitable last night. I drunk, a lot, but I managed to phone someone before I was too far gone and right now I’m so grateful to that person for putting up with my drunken distressed rambling.

Last night was the closest I have come to doing something stupid in months. Looking back at it this morning, I still haven’t come to terms with how close I got. If I didn’t manage to phone, if no one answered...I wouldn’t be here, that I’m sure.

I’m feeling so bad right now. Not ‘I’m going to do something stupid’ bad, but an overwhelming feeling of guilt about what I even considered.

On Saturday a body of a young talented actress from my neck of the woods was found hanged. I spent today, after meeting with a member of the crisis team, reading the tributes left on a facebook group in her honour. The messages really got to me. The shock people felt after what had happened, that no one knew what she was going through, how they wished that she had just said something as little as “I’m not coping so well today”. I don’t want to cause people to feel like that and yesterday I came so close to doing it.

The problem is, when I’m in a mood like last night, I don’t think about all this, my brain just doesn’t comprehend the pain it would cause people. As I said before, it’s a blinkered state of mind. All you can think about is “I need to escape”. People who say that suicidal people are selfish, that they don’t care about others are frankly just plain ignorant. I beat myself up daily for thinking the things I do. This morning I was in tears about what I almost did, I’m in tears right now writing this. The worst thing is though, no matter how bad I feel about it now, I know that my depression will drag me down again. I know I will consider harming myself again. I know the black cloud will descend again and obscure my thoughts until I’m left with only one option and that is to get away.

It’s the endless feeling of it all, that’s what gets me. I feel beyond help right now. Beyond help and hopeless. But for now, I will have to live with it and hope that next time the darkness descends I will be able to fight it off.

I Can't Go On

I am really struggling right now. Really struggling. It feels like a skeletal hand has gripped my pathetic heart and is squeezing it until it causes bitter tears to mark my cheeks. Add to that the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and loneliness, multiply the feeling by about 46.2 and you get an idea of how I’m feeling.

I’m really worried that I may do something and yet I can’t bring myself to phone the crisis team. I’m on my own, enough alcohol in the house to knock me out, sleeping tablets and razors. And writing this is just working me up into a panic. I know I’m going to work myself up so badly soon that I won’t be able to stop myself from doing anything. That is how it works, that is how it always works. I go into some kind of blinkered state where all I can think about is harming myself and I HAVE to do it. I can’t stop myself, I watch my body do the things it does and I have no control.

I know I need to phone. My mobile is on the table next to me yet there feels like there is some force stopping me from picking it up. I just can’t do it.

I’m wishing for someone to ring, someone to stop me but it won’t happen. It’s almost 1AM here, no one rings me at this time, no one will read this in time.

I’m scared.

Please. Anyone. I need someone right now.

Bugs Bunny Would be Proud

I realise that so far I haven’t really lived up to my blog’s title. Well I shall let you know, I am currently sitting on my sofa listening to the rugby on the TV (Go on the Blues!), reading The Times newspaper (yes I am sophisticated :P), and eating carrots. Yes. Carrots. So there.

Tasting Success...I Wish

I have a love hate relationship with Zopiclone. For those who are unsure about the drug it is a hypnotic drug used to treat insomnia. The drug doesn’t knock you out as such, instead relaxes your body making it easier to fall asleep. Like most sedative, hypnotic drugs, it is very easy to get dependant on and so only short term treatment is recommended.

The problem is, even though it helps me through my bouts of insomnia, it doesn’t half leave a taste in the morning when you wake up. Today was the worst yet. I was greeted to the bitter metallic taste in my mouth and the back of my throat and instead of it gradually disappearing, it seemed to just stay. My morning consisted of washing out my mouth twice with mouthwash and then drinking a mug of strong coffee. And let me tell you, mouthwash + coffee + bitter metal taste doesn’t equal a good thing.

That’s enough venting for now. Maybe some fresh air will take my mind off it.