Kick Me Whilst I'm Down

Hmm, realised I hadn’t updated this in a few days, though to be honest, I haven’t had the energy to. The last week or so has been hectic to say the least and my whole world has just collapsed around me. I really don’t know where to start.

Thursday night I had another scare. I managed to bypass the alcohol this time, but instead I went straight to the kitchen drawer, pulled out a knife and scored my arm until I could see the deep crimson seeping through. I would like to say that I very rarely do this. I don’t get much from it and I ended up feeling worse afterwards. Managed to phone the crisis team though...after I’d harmed myself, but still, it’s an improvement from not being able to phone for help. Now I just need to work on phoning before I do something stupid...

Anyway my doctor has decided to switch my medication. I’m currently on Citalopram (40mg) but I really haven’t felt any better on it and the fact that I have overdosed whilst on the stuff tends to suggest they weren’t working for me. More surprised that I haven't been taken off them sooner. For almost a week now I’ve been taking 20mg to start to taper off it and in terms of withdrawal effects all I have is slight light-headedness now and then and sleepiness. On Friday my doctor is going to review things and then start me on the new stuff, Venalfaxine. This is a different type of anti-depressant to Citalopram and after researching it I’ve decided it much scarier. The side effects are more extreme and also overdosing on it can screw you up pretty badly. I’m a little concerned. I’ve already reacted badly to one type of AD (Prozac) and that wasn’t nice. The main problem I have is I have a job interview on the 13th and if I’ve reacted badly to this medication I could quite easily mess up.

On top of this worry I found out on the weekend that my dad had been keeping letters from me back in Wales, pretty important letters, urgent letters, from my student loan company. Because I suspended my course a few months back they have obviously suspended my loan payments, but they also have refused to cover the tuition fees for my new course in October. I have spent this week on the phone constantly trying to sort it out and they may be able to change that decision but in terms of my finances right now, I’m screwed. Currently well into my overdraft, rent to pay, bills to pay, general living costs on top of that with nothing coming in. I was relying on the student loan people to be a bit more sympathetic about my situation but as the letters were kept from me for over a month, there’s very little I can do. So now I’ve been filling in forms upon forms to try and get some sort of benefits to cover my shortfalls. Normally I could cope with all this but with how I’ve been feeling, tapering off medication, new medication to deal with shortly, presentation to prepare for my job interview, it’s all far too much. I’m getting driven crazy and right now I have so little energy I’m surprised I’ve managed to type this much without collapsing.

I have no idea if this post even makes sense but there we have it, I need sleep and have no energy to check over it.

Tasting Success...I Wish

I have a love hate relationship with Zopiclone. For those who are unsure about the drug it is a hypnotic drug used to treat insomnia. The drug doesn’t knock you out as such, instead relaxes your body making it easier to fall asleep. Like most sedative, hypnotic drugs, it is very easy to get dependant on and so only short term treatment is recommended.

The problem is, even though it helps me through my bouts of insomnia, it doesn’t half leave a taste in the morning when you wake up. Today was the worst yet. I was greeted to the bitter metallic taste in my mouth and the back of my throat and instead of it gradually disappearing, it seemed to just stay. My morning consisted of washing out my mouth twice with mouthwash and then drinking a mug of strong coffee. And let me tell you, mouthwash + coffee + bitter metal taste doesn’t equal a good thing.

That’s enough venting for now. Maybe some fresh air will take my mind off it.

Ben, Jerry, and a Whole Load of Bags

In this world there are only two men in the world a girl can rely on; Ben and Jerry. I managed to resist the pull of drinking myself into a stupor last night and instead binged on a girl’s best friend...chocolate. I felt so sick that the thought of any sort of alcohol made me want to empty the contents of my stomach into the nearest bowl shaped object. Probably not the best way to cope, but nevertheless, it got me through last night.

I have actually just got back home from my appointment with my doctor and despite it being obvious that he couldn’t wait to get me out of his office, he has actually done something this time. I have been prescribed the grand total of 7 sleeping tablets. Woohoo! Sorry, can’t keep my sarcasm under control.

He has also called on the crisis team here to keep an eye on me. I am grateful, they helped me a lot after my overdose in February but I’m not sure if having them involved again will help me through this. Basically, for those of you who don’t have a team like this in your area, it’s a short term programme where a team help you through a period where you are at risk. They’ll check up on you a few times a day, be there to talk if you need, go for coffee, go on a walk, whatever you need. They only usually have about 10 people on their books and the programme only lasts a couple of weeks at the most.

I feel a little more secure but I can’t help feel smothered right now. I didn’t think I was that at risk to need the team again. I’m getting prescribed sleeping tablets on a weekly basis until I break out of this latest bout of insomnia and I’m having someone check daily that I don’t abuse them or stash them away somewhere. I don’t know, maybe I’m in denial again but I feel that I may as well have a sticker on my head saying “Unstable, approach at your own risk”.

I think I’m going to go back to bed anyway, right now I have more bags under my eyes than my nan has in her entire wardrobe, and trust me, that’s a lot of bags.

Sleep, Don't Weep

I hate this. I’ve lost count of the days since I last had a decent sleep. I’ve spent the day walking the forest paths of Kielder, the fresh air and activity, combined with the lack of sleep the night before, driving me to exhaustion and guess what? I can’t sleep. My head is aching. Actually, scrap that, my whole body is aching and right now, more than anything, I just want a few hours of deep, fulfilled, uninterrupted rest.

Of course my doctor knows all about my weeks of insomnia and gave the very encouraging advice of “try not to sleep during the day, keep active, and I’m sure you’ll break out of it”. This was after he said that he’d love to give me sleeping tablets but unfortunately he just can’t. Apparently it must say on my file “Unstable patient. Recent history of overdosing. Do not prescribe sleeping tablets at all costs even if it means the patient goes weeks without decent sleep and ends up looking like death warmed up.”

Of course I can see why he can’t prescribe me the things but something more than "I'm sure you'll break out of it" would’ve been nice. I’m going out of my mind at the moment. Honestly, how I didn’t end up walking into a tree earlier is beyond me. I think my doctor is just relieved that whilst I’m like this I just haven’t got the energy to act on any thoughts I may have or to work myself up into a dangerous state of mind. Of course over the past few weeks I have felt pretty shit in respect to my emotional state but I’m just too damn tired to bother about it. Danger is I drive myself so crazy with my miserable sleep patterns that I sneak far too close to the border of breakdown country and all the pent-up depressiveness sucks me in so deep that I end up doing something incredibly stupid.

I don’t know. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I guess I should go try and get some sleep...again. Doesn’t help that my brother is coming up to visit tomorrow, early, and I have to get up to meet him. Be surprised if he recognises me in the state I’m in. Oh well.