I Can't Go On

I am really struggling right now. Really struggling. It feels like a skeletal hand has gripped my pathetic heart and is squeezing it until it causes bitter tears to mark my cheeks. Add to that the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and loneliness, multiply the feeling by about 46.2 and you get an idea of how I’m feeling.

I’m really worried that I may do something and yet I can’t bring myself to phone the crisis team. I’m on my own, enough alcohol in the house to knock me out, sleeping tablets and razors. And writing this is just working me up into a panic. I know I’m going to work myself up so badly soon that I won’t be able to stop myself from doing anything. That is how it works, that is how it always works. I go into some kind of blinkered state where all I can think about is harming myself and I HAVE to do it. I can’t stop myself, I watch my body do the things it does and I have no control.

I know I need to phone. My mobile is on the table next to me yet there feels like there is some force stopping me from picking it up. I just can’t do it.

I’m wishing for someone to ring, someone to stop me but it won’t happen. It’s almost 1AM here, no one rings me at this time, no one will read this in time.

I’m scared.

Please. Anyone. I need someone right now.

Tasting Success...I Wish

I have a love hate relationship with Zopiclone. For those who are unsure about the drug it is a hypnotic drug used to treat insomnia. The drug doesn’t knock you out as such, instead relaxes your body making it easier to fall asleep. Like most sedative, hypnotic drugs, it is very easy to get dependant on and so only short term treatment is recommended.

The problem is, even though it helps me through my bouts of insomnia, it doesn’t half leave a taste in the morning when you wake up. Today was the worst yet. I was greeted to the bitter metallic taste in my mouth and the back of my throat and instead of it gradually disappearing, it seemed to just stay. My morning consisted of washing out my mouth twice with mouthwash and then drinking a mug of strong coffee. And let me tell you, mouthwash + coffee + bitter metal taste doesn’t equal a good thing.

That’s enough venting for now. Maybe some fresh air will take my mind off it.