How Screwed Up Can The System Get?

ARRGGGHHH!!! I hate Student Finance. I hate them with every pathetic cell of my worthless body.

So I pulled out of my course during my second year. It seemed like the right thing to do as I was in such a dark place that I downed a handful of painkillers to get away. They have all of this medical evidence saying that I’ve been suffering from major depression for a considerable amount of time, that it was professional medical advice that I took a break and yet they are now cutting my funding by £3225 for next year because of it.

So here I am getting punished for finally listening to my doctor and making a proper go at getting my mind sorted. Great.

You know that if I had to pull out of the course because my kidneys shut down, for example, I bet I wouldn’t be in this position. We just can’t get away from it, this damn stigma behind any sort of mental illness. Depression to them is code for “couldn’t cope with the course because she was too lazy”.

I’m going back to Wales tomorrow to go to my council personally and try and get this sorted. I have yet more letters from my university and doctor all saying I had no choice to pull out and that being punished for it is unjustified. I’m not sure what I’m going to do if they won’t change their mind. There’s no way I can afford my course next year if they don’t fund it.

I just don’t want to think about what that is going to do to me...

Needing a Hug

I desperately feel like crying at the moment and it's frustrating as I've got through the last few days without feeling remotely like this. I don't know why I've been hit by this feeling right now, but I have, and I just feel...alone. I just want someone, anyone, to take me into their arms and tell me that everything will be OK, and mean it.

I don't feel like I have a close friend right now and I think that's contributing to these random bouts of loneliness. It's complete nonsense of course, and not rational thinking in the slightest, but I just feel, deep down, that I haven't really got someone here with me that I can rely on. The conversations I have with my housemates are superficial, How was work? How was your day? They're brief, to the point and any effort I put in to have a more meaningful conversation is put to waste with the one word responses.

I just feel that I'm being pushed to the side at the moment and no matter how many times I tell myself that this is completely irrational, my mind just doesn't seem to want to listen.

Maybe if I knock myself to sleep I'll get through the worst of it and wake up tomorrow looking back at how stupid I was. Positive thinking and all that, that's what my therapist drums into me.

We'll see...