How Screwed Up Can The System Get?

ARRGGGHHH!!! I hate Student Finance. I hate them with every pathetic cell of my worthless body.

So I pulled out of my course during my second year. It seemed like the right thing to do as I was in such a dark place that I downed a handful of painkillers to get away. They have all of this medical evidence saying that I’ve been suffering from major depression for a considerable amount of time, that it was professional medical advice that I took a break and yet they are now cutting my funding by £3225 for next year because of it.

So here I am getting punished for finally listening to my doctor and making a proper go at getting my mind sorted. Great.

You know that if I had to pull out of the course because my kidneys shut down, for example, I bet I wouldn’t be in this position. We just can’t get away from it, this damn stigma behind any sort of mental illness. Depression to them is code for “couldn’t cope with the course because she was too lazy”.

I’m going back to Wales tomorrow to go to my council personally and try and get this sorted. I have yet more letters from my university and doctor all saying I had no choice to pull out and that being punished for it is unjustified. I’m not sure what I’m going to do if they won’t change their mind. There’s no way I can afford my course next year if they don’t fund it.

I just don’t want to think about what that is going to do to me...

Kick Me Whilst I'm Down

Hmm, realised I hadn’t updated this in a few days, though to be honest, I haven’t had the energy to. The last week or so has been hectic to say the least and my whole world has just collapsed around me. I really don’t know where to start.

Thursday night I had another scare. I managed to bypass the alcohol this time, but instead I went straight to the kitchen drawer, pulled out a knife and scored my arm until I could see the deep crimson seeping through. I would like to say that I very rarely do this. I don’t get much from it and I ended up feeling worse afterwards. Managed to phone the crisis team though...after I’d harmed myself, but still, it’s an improvement from not being able to phone for help. Now I just need to work on phoning before I do something stupid...

Anyway my doctor has decided to switch my medication. I’m currently on Citalopram (40mg) but I really haven’t felt any better on it and the fact that I have overdosed whilst on the stuff tends to suggest they weren’t working for me. More surprised that I haven't been taken off them sooner. For almost a week now I’ve been taking 20mg to start to taper off it and in terms of withdrawal effects all I have is slight light-headedness now and then and sleepiness. On Friday my doctor is going to review things and then start me on the new stuff, Venalfaxine. This is a different type of anti-depressant to Citalopram and after researching it I’ve decided it much scarier. The side effects are more extreme and also overdosing on it can screw you up pretty badly. I’m a little concerned. I’ve already reacted badly to one type of AD (Prozac) and that wasn’t nice. The main problem I have is I have a job interview on the 13th and if I’ve reacted badly to this medication I could quite easily mess up.

On top of this worry I found out on the weekend that my dad had been keeping letters from me back in Wales, pretty important letters, urgent letters, from my student loan company. Because I suspended my course a few months back they have obviously suspended my loan payments, but they also have refused to cover the tuition fees for my new course in October. I have spent this week on the phone constantly trying to sort it out and they may be able to change that decision but in terms of my finances right now, I’m screwed. Currently well into my overdraft, rent to pay, bills to pay, general living costs on top of that with nothing coming in. I was relying on the student loan people to be a bit more sympathetic about my situation but as the letters were kept from me for over a month, there’s very little I can do. So now I’ve been filling in forms upon forms to try and get some sort of benefits to cover my shortfalls. Normally I could cope with all this but with how I’ve been feeling, tapering off medication, new medication to deal with shortly, presentation to prepare for my job interview, it’s all far too much. I’m getting driven crazy and right now I have so little energy I’m surprised I’ve managed to type this much without collapsing.

I have no idea if this post even makes sense but there we have it, I need sleep and have no energy to check over it.

I've Done it Again

I really do have to stop chatting to charity fundraisers. Ever since I worked as a fundraiser last summer and had a firsthand experience of how hard it actually is standing in the street hours on end getting rejected by the public who look at you with more contempt than a piece of dog shit on their shoe, I have always stopped and had a chat with them.

There’s a guy who fundraises quite frequently on the cobbled streets of Durham and he has stopped me on a number of occasions. Now I do give to charity on a monthly basis and also volunteer for them and as my funds are very much nonexistent right now, I really do have to keep a tight lid on who I give to, but today, after many efforts of signing me up, he finally got me and I have ended up signing up direct debit for yet another charity. This time it’s Save the Children, a move away from my usual mental health charities.

The problem is, even in this time of credit crunching nightmares, I just can’t help doing something like this when I feel lousy. I’m not a religious person but it seems that every time I have a meaningful thought of self harm or suicide I have to do something like this to make up for it, repent my sins so to speak. While I myself have no problem giving to charity like this, my bank balance has something else to say about it. I think I may need to set up a restraining order against all fundraisers, wonder if it’s possible to do that...