Back in Black

Call off the search party; I’m back. Everything has been moving and changing so quickly that I haven’t had a chance to sit down. But I’ve forced myself to update you all so here I am.

So what has happened in the last two months or so to cause me to become MIA? Well...I’ve moved house to be nearer to work, just for the summer, after that I’ll be off back to university after my council decided that not funding me was actually a pretty stupid decision...funny that. My working hours have increased due to the great British summer starting. Lots of kiddies needing science to be explained in a “fun and engaging” way and only about five of us employed to do it. And lastly but not least, I’m in a new relationship. About a month and a half in now and surprisingly it’s going well.

Yet, despite all this, despite all these positives in my life, despite the fact that for the first time in a while my life is looking up, I’m sitting here being immersed by dark thoughts. It’s finally dawned on me that actually, I have no control over this, no matter how great my life is, this depression, this life draining illness will still be there, sucking all energy from me. I always kidded myself in the past that once I was in a stable relationship, once I had a job I was happy with, once I had a purpose, this depression would go away, just like that, but it doesn’t, it stays, gripping onto you.

And this is why I’m here. Getting back into writing I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, I’ll make some sense of it all, straighten out my thoughts at least. Because of my working hours I haven’t been able to see my care coordinator for two weeks. She wants me to start CBT, despite my reservations, but I can’t afford to cut my hours. I’ll just have to get through the summer, settle down on my course in October and start the long road to recovery once again.

Looks like I'm here for the long run, and that fact is hard to take.